Although I am 34 years old, I am still learning new things everyday. Things about the world, and things about myself. I see myself as an evolutionary process, a movement — a verb. I am changing alongside a changing environment. I am unfolding in response to stimuli which encourages that unfoldment, and is available to me based upon my level of awareness and the emotions and sensations which I experience. I am making choices, am inspired by ideas, and am attuning to thoughts which alert me to “where I am” on my journey, relative to what I desire. Where I want to go. Relative to my authentic expression in this moment.
And this is always changing. So I must work to continually be properly in tune. so I can play my note properly in the cosmic orchestra. So that others — I — can enjoy the music.
Sometimes I find it difficult to keep myself aligned because my early childhood programming rendered me averse to general conflict. I spent most of my life avoiding it at all costs, namely at the cost of my own authentic expression. I was unable to both be true to myself and what I wanted and needed, while also appeasing everyone else. So I learned to stay hidden. I got so good at staying hidden that I began to hide from my own awareness. My own self-connection was fractured, and I often felt confused. Fuzzy. Not sure about what I wanted and needed, or about who I really was. Or about what really drove me to behave in the ways that I would.
This is not a comfortable place to be. It seems very ridiculous, and feels very frustrating to the experiencer. Perhaps even more so because I identify myself with being highly intelligent, and therefore able to routinely analyze situations with a keen sense of accuracy. When I was unable to turn that analytical process within myself and find answers which were satisfying to me, I felt inadequate. My ego was wounded, which would often provoke me to double-down in behaving defensively in relation to others. Protecting myself at all times.
Very exhausting.
This provides a great barrier to true intimacy. How can one really share with another if they are not able to be authentic with themselves? If they do not feel solidified in who they truly are? Whatever one could share with another from that space would inevitably be a fractal of the true identity. An incomplete piece which would easily be rocked or stressed if conflict were to arise. If circumstances were to provide challenge or difficulty in the areas which are being suppressed or which are fractured from the whole.
A partial identity cannot share another partial identity and become whole. But one whole can encounter another whole and fuse with that whole to create a new whole. One which mutually moves towards the most powerful and harmonious expression of each individual whole. That is how I imagine it, anyway. I have not encountered it, because up to this point I have only been able to be parts of myself. And therefore my vibration has only attracted others who are in this similar space. I have taught and have learned from those others, whom I regard deeply. I am so appreciative for all of my teachers in this life. Without those experiences, perhaps I would have never realized I have been living my life as many simultaneous fractures of my true self. And as best I can see, so is everybody else.
In this, I realize that I hunger to be whole. That I relentlessly pursue myself and reach for discovering and understanding more and more. This is what I believe it feels like to truly love something. And I feel that I am loving myself in humbling myself to myself, and learning about who I really am. Listening to my emotions and heeding their message. Learning my own language. Understanding my code, and the faulty programming over it. With this, I am able to write new programs in. Or perhaps it would be better to say that I am uncovering the original programs and getting them back in a harmonious, collaborative working order which is in line with my true desires. Learning the controls and dials, and turning them according to the internal and external stimulus.
I try my best not to judge this process. I try my best not to look for “right and wrong”, “good or bad”, “desirable or undesirable”. Perhaps because I am so early in the stages of this. I prefer to just listen and observe. To make notes about what I discover, and to keep a sense of wonder about myself. To love every part and see where it takes me. To observe my own vibrations — my own outputs. To observe how the external inputs are influencing me, and to just be fascinated that all of this is happening at all!
I suspect there will come a time when more judgement must be used in specific ways, but I am working different muscles as of now. I am building in a different way, and for this I need compassion and curiosity. I need desire and emotion. And I need this attentive listening in order to attune to these.
As my vibration is changing through this, I see the ways in which I am compatible or incompatible with the people around me. I do not feel they are “better or worse” than I, it is more so that I feel I cannot be taken in by them. That the space which I require to be my whole self is not something which is compatible with the allotted space created by the dynamic between us. So I diminish or increase aspects of myself. Or they theirs.
I try my best not to be attached to this process. I look at it like more of a function of a bigger process. “This is what is required in order for this process”, and so I meet those requirements and observe. The non-attachment is the real practice. For if I feel a certain way about this whole scenario, I must acknowledge that feeling so I can understand where I truly am in space time.
Feelings are so valuable. Emotions are so valuable. They are like the roadmap to a whole-self which is always connected to the guidance of the higher self.
And gratitude will grow. Compassion will grow. Patience will grow.
The embrace of Springtime.
