I wanted to comprise a list of the characteristic traits which women find highly attractive in men (yes, I will do one for the opposite sex also). I find that many of my male friends are often confused as to why they are perpetually single or dissatisfied in relationships — or why their relationships go “bad”. They are also unsure of what women truly want out of them, or men in general. That, along with modern societal conditioning, and all of our existing in “unparalleled” times of rapid change in the way of making romantic connections, is what inspired my digging into this topic. I hope it can shed some light on the subject and offer a sense of empowerment and understanding.
Though we might all be aware that physical attraction plays a huge role in dating and forming relationships, I feel that personality and character traits in individuals is what tends to matter when it comes to overall happiness and fulfillment in partnerships. Physical attraction can actually wax and wane over time with the level of connectedness and understanding experienced between people. Not to mention, the passage of time will always be a factor in physical attraction. No matter how good-looking one may feel themselves to be, nature will be sure that all must “let go” of their attachment to their own appearance as they age. A wise person invests themselves in being authentic to who they truly are and holding high self-value, so they can continue to be fulfilled and content throughout all of life’s phases.
I will present a list of the six top qualities which I feel a balanced, healthful woman desires in a partner, and then attempt to break down each one so as to give context and insight.
1. Power
2. Compassion
3. High integrity (Be true to your word)
4. Balance in Rigidness vs Flexibility
5. Emotional openness
6. Sense of humor
POWER. This is a quality which has been severely skewed in the minds of men and women alike. I could write an entire essay about the idea of “power” alone, and how it is misrepresented in modern life. For sake of clarifying what power means to women on a deep-need level, it is about safety. Women, though they may not always admit it or be consciously aware of this, deeply need and want to feel safe. Protected. Guarded. Cared for and considered in the light of their fragility. This doesn’t mean women are not inherently powerful — they absolutely are. It’s just that when it comes to the need for safety itself, men are far more adept at naturally creating an environment for this. It does have somewhat to do with physical size, but honestly it has far more to do with ENERGY. It is with intention and energy (which must be in alignment with one another), that give off the signal of “power”.
It isn’t about money necessarily — though this is the modern representation, and does provide a man with a higher potential to provide a sense of safety for a woman — it’s more about intensity. I have literally experienced a man smaller in size than myself (5’3”) make me fear for my life due to his energetic power and ability. If you don’t believe this is possible, I recommend you do some research on high-level martial artists or yogis who are small in stature. It is apparent in their eyes, in their body language, in their words, and in everything they do. The power they possess is in alignment with their entire sense of being, and they are completely in touch with it. They do not fear it, and they do not suppress it — they own it. They embrace it. There is nothing more attractive to a woman than power, especially when a man has absolutely mastered his sense of control over that power. This is, on a felt level, equivalent to: “I can guarantee your safety, and the safety of our children/community.”
And the opposite can be true as well — there are plenty of men that are large in stature, speak loudly, or possess tons of money who fold in half as soon as they encounter a man with authentic, energetic power. The symbols of power in modern times are quite misleading. It is my belief that the intention behind the pursuit of such symbols of power is what determines whether or not the power is authentically embodied. Did a man pursue wealth because he knows it’s what women want? Because he feels that being wealthy or being in a position of power at work will eventually give him the respect or control he’s been wanting? This man may obtain wealth or a position of power, but power is not driving him from within. He is motivated by appearing a certain way towards others (manipulation). That is not true power. That is insecurity trying to use the symbols of power to cover itself up.
(If you are feeling powerless or insecure as a man, women will pick up on this. If you are in this position and would like some suggestions as to how to obtain a sense of inner power [which will reflect out upon your external reality], please comment or message me!)
COMPASSION. Almost equally as important as being powerful, is being compassionate. In fact, power without compassion is frightening and imbalanced, and therefore unattractive to balanced women. Compassion serves the deep-need of connection for women. Without authentic compassion, a man would not seek to understand or comprehend his partner (or anybody else). And without understanding and comprehension, there is no possibility for true love. Any other form of love is possessive, conditional, and temporary. And all women want to be loved completely, understood completely. Seen completely. Accepted completely. They also want their children to receive the gift of pure love and connection. A man without compassion cannot provide this.
Now, women are aware that partnerships are conditional. That everybody has needs, as they do. But they are happy and willing to meet their partner’s needs if there is a felt sense of compassion in his being. When the connection between two people holds mutual compassion, this provides a sense of security and trust on both ends. It is so fundamental to the longevity of a relationship.
HIGH INTEGRITY (Be true to your word). This character trait is somewhat obvious. The inherent problem with a man (or anyone) who lacks honor and integrity, is that it is difficult to trust them. In a relationship, that is detrimental. With that, the deep-need this is associated with for women is trust. If a woman cannot trust that a man will follow-through on his word, then she begins to doubt him. And this ties in with her need for safety. If she cannot have faith in him, she feels unsafe. Uncertainty is felt as anxiety, which is associated with fear, and therefore lack of safety.
Women will forgive men for an oversight. A woman who is self-aware can recognize that there are factors beyond the control of her partner. Sometimes we all make mistakes in judgement. Sometimes plans fall through, or things don’t go the way we expect. But even in that, there is a space where a man can demonstrate his integrity. That is, by sticking true to his honor. His sense of morality. His “True North”. This is like making lemonade out of lemons for a woman — she will drink it right up. As long as her partner can demonstrate he has absolute faith in himself (and demonstrates that he knows himself), she will trust him.
But if this happens constantly, and he is lacking good judgement in evaluating scenarios so as to yield the outcomes which are in line with his personal integrity, or if he begins to adopt any kind of victim-type mentality… big turnoff. A balanced woman will support her man through difficult times or in times where he loses faith in himself by giving him love, but then she will also lovingly kick him in the ass. No healthy woman wants a victim for a partner. A man needs to own and master his power for himself, and a good woman knows that.
BALANCE in RIGIDNESS vs FLEXIBILITY. Women want a man who is adaptable. One who doesn’t apply the exact same method to every scenario. But also one she can depend on to persevere and who will wade through monotonous or difficult challenges. This satisfies a woman’s deep-need for consistency vs versatility. Men tend to become really good at using certain tools they grow comfortable with, and then applying those same tools to scenarios where a different tool may perhaps be more effective. Instead of learning or becoming familiar with a new tool, they’ll often fall back on what they know. And also be defensive about it if someone tries to point this out. Rigid.
With this, the rigidness is jumbled up (as a defense mechanism) with their feelings of self-worth. Capability. Confidence. A man who is sure of himself and has a high sense of self-value will not be offended if somebody offers him a new tool or points out a weakness in his methodology. In fact, such a man would welcome this. Even if they later deem that some new tool or methodology does not work or apply to the context at hand, they do not take offense. They feel indifference towards anyone who offers them new tools or ideas. A man who holds high self-worth knows the places where rigidity in his personality or methodology is necessary, and where flexibility is necessary. Both hold equal value, and vary based on context. And he trusts himself to make these judgements. He is not attached to either.
People who are consistent, persevere. And people who can adapt, thrive.
EMOTIONAL OPENNESS. This characteristic is something which is generally in flux for most men (and people in general). It seems to be relative to the amount of overall energy one feels they possess, as well as desire. It’s kind of like a muscle that needs to be exercised in order to build and maintain its strength. Emotional openness is about a woman’s deep-need for acknowledgement. If a woman is unable to receive acknowledgment for the reality she is experiencing, she feels alone. She feels invisible. She feels unimportant, insignificant. None of which bode well for a long-term relationship. Women want to feel accepted and cared for. Like a plant, if you do not shine some light on it and nurture its roots with water, it will wilt and wither.
When a man is open to his own emotions and accepts and acknowledges them, he is often better able to do this with others. This is fundamental to building intimate (dependent) relationships. The reality is, relationships will always hit points of difficultly or disagreement. Unpleasant emotions will inevitably be experienced on both ends. If a solid partnership has already been established, and both partners are emotionally open and able to be honest within themselves, this will cause little instability. Rather, difficult emotional times can be used to deepen the bond further, as resolution is associated with “respect and growth”.
SENSE OF HUMOR. This may not seem so important, but it makes a huge difference. Life is often unpleasant and one must take things seriously to do what must be done. But enjoyment is what we’re all really after! And humor is like a release valve to pressure. Having a sense of humor is about the deep-need of release and enjoyment for a woman. Women, especially those whom are mothers, often feel a constant sense of “pressure”. There are things which unceasingly demand their attention and to which they must devote their energy to. Though this isn’t always unpleasant, per sey, women feel pretty unanimously overwhelmed with responsibilities. Having a partner who is able to remain light and point out the silliness of life can really make a huge difference in her overall experience.
A man who has a good sense of humor also demonstrates that he doesn’t take himself too seriously. When the time calls for “getting shit done”, by all means, do the thing. But that doesn’t mean the thing has to be unpleasant. There are countless opportunities to lighten the mood through the responsibilities, and a balanced woman appreciates this reminder. It tends to close the gap between people, which is probably the best thing you can do in an intimate relationship. After all, “Laughter is the sound of the soul dancing.”
In closing:
There are countless character traits which vary in importance to a stable, emotionally mature woman, but I feel confident that these six encapsulate many of the others. For instance, some women who read this may be surprised I didn’t include “intelligence”, but as I see it, if a man possess the character traits listed above, he is inherently intelligent. Intelligence is relative to context and environment. A man who is adaptable and compassionate, and who is aware of what a woman (and society in general) needs from him, is applying intelligence if his behavior and sense of integrity is in alignment with those things. I found this to be the case with a few other traits which came to mind — they are encapsulated in the ones listed above.
I am perfectly open to modifying this list if I am presented with overwhelming evidence in opposition to a trait, or if I have missed something vital relative to what a balanced, healthy woman needs out of a partnership. Obviously this list has been distilled from my own experience with men and relationships, but I also solicited the help of other women I trust.
I hope you’ve enjoyed this summary if you’ve read up to this point! …and if you’d like me to expand upon recommendations to “unlock” these character traits within, please let me know.
