Often times I have this sense that the older I get, the more of a child I desire to become. In more ways than one, I see this. And with that, I recognize the conditioning of this society which resides within my (our) consciousness about the idea of “child” itself. I have spent some time on opposing ends of different spectrums regarding this idea of “child-ness”, digging into my subconscious thoughts and behaviors surrounding the concept, the symbolic associations. The connotations regarding different contexts. My feelings and emotions around those different contexts. How I feel in my body when I think about the concepts of infancy and childhood.
With all of this, I have come to two main representations that this idea of youth seems to inhabit. One is “innocence/purity”, and the other is “powerlessness/dependency”. Now, innocence and purity as concepts are slightly different, though they can be related. And the same goes for powerlessness and dependency. But in relationship to the idea of “child”, I think these concepts are a bit conjoined, and felt, on a deep psychic level.
Obviously each person’s experience being born, growing up, and socializing may be vastly different. But as it relates to the modern world, I see striking similarities in the attitudes and sentiments people have regarding the idea of their own child-ness. One is, there is a deep sense of shame and guilt surrounding childhood. It’s as if being a child is simply not okay, or not to be tolerated in the adult psyche. Since the inner child is so deeply wounded and repressed, this creates a myriad of challenges in the identity. I can only imagine this has to do with those feelings of helplessness and powerlessness surrounding free will experienced during childhood. Children are inherently limited in this department, and this only becomes more obvious once formal education begins.
Another is, there is a strong desire to “grow up” and “be in control” (an antidote to escaping this feeling of powerlessness). Coming from that place, “freedom” and “independence” are associated with the feeling of “being in control”. This is perhaps tucked under the surface of the conscious mind, but tends to come out in the behavior and pursuits of the modern adult. One might consciously or unconsciously think, if they are able to manipulate themselves and the others around them so as to maintain a sense of control, then they can also secure their own freedom and independence, i.e., they will be in a position of power.
Yet another sentiment regarding childhood is this desire to avoid “not knowing”. It seems many are almost disgusted with the naivety of an undeveloped mind or intellect. They seek to know everything there is to know, or at the very least assert themselves to know everything there is to know. They feel more comfortable if they can convince others that they are in a position of “knowing” reality, rather than ignorant to it, or learning about it. Having “answers” gives them a sense of superiority perhaps. Being naive or innocent — like a child — is a threat to the identity of the “expert on knowing reality”. One might think, “If only everyone else can think and know exactly what I do, therefore behave just as I do, then all would be right in the world.”
And the last thing I’ll note that I’ve noticed is the idea that the vulnerability inherent in childhood is a kind of weakness. This sort of weakness is not to be tolerated in the identity of the adult. One must be capable, self-assured, and self-reliant. To be vulnerable and pure, to inherently trust and depend on love, is to be unsafe. To rely on others is unsafe. To allow the experience of life to unfold without certainty, predictions, and proper calculations is foolish. To believe one will inherently be “taken care of” no matter what conditions he may meet is unthinkable. It produces anxiety to accept the unpredictable elements of experiential reality.
These are the things I have identified within my own psyche, and so I can only assume they are embedded in the collective. I spent many years unconsciously acting upon these belief systems and reacting and positioning myself in relationship to any perceived threat to the identity I was working so hard towards cultivating in order to “protect” myself. It wasn’t until I recognized this pattern of achieving whatever it was that I wanted, and then still feeling miserable or dissatisfied with my life or myself, that I started to question my methods and thought patterns.
Why do I continue to want something else? Why does the wanting never end? Why does the satisfaction from achievements only last a short while? Why do I also secretly believe the rug will come out from under me? Why do I secretly believe I’m a fake? Why don’t I trust anyone? Why don’t I trust myself? Why do I always look for confirmation that things aren’t “right”? Why do I blame others? Why don’t I ever let my guard down? Why do I run? Why do I hide? Why don’t I truly believe in “love”? Why don’t I feel safe?
And many of the answers I came to find led me back to early childhood attachments. To ideas of “safety”. And ideas of “comprehension”. Ergo, my experience of being an infant and child was associated with an unpleasantness. With a “loss” of aspects of myself, or of being human. This is where defenses were built up in an attempt to overcome this experience of “child-ness”. And though my current experience is “adult-ness”, I realize that the unconscious attachments and beliefs I’ve held surrounding being a dependent and innocent child must be amended. The reality I experienced was “being a powerless, pure essence is not safe”. But this is a distortion. The truth is cause and effect.
It is less of a wonder to me anymore, why parents often behave the way they do. Why children behave the way they do. It is a dance of actuality, met with modern society. I don’t take as much offense to any of it, but it still affects me. And I still have want — that is, to change it. More specifically, to try and unlearn the shame and guilt surrounding the misunderstandings. To unlearn this rejection of innocence, purity, powerlessness, and dependency which is resultant from such misunderstandings.
Because being an adult by modern society’s standards is flat out boring. It is not a balanced way to be. Nor is it an authentic way to live. If one is honest with themselves, one can see this.
Being alive, humbled, and curious to the world of reality is far more empowering and enjoyable. Accepting all of these states of being into oneself and seeing the aspects of living which call upon them is a kind of freedom.
“Be like a child”, is precious advice.
